Schizophrenic Attitude

- Nothing is going as planned. Nothing. I had it all thought through, I had an idea of what it was going to be like.
- WHAT A FOOL. How could you think it was all going to go so smoothly, as you had briefly foreseen?! Are you God? Do you think that maybe the whole world revolves around you?
- Actually, yes, I did. Mea culpa. It won’t happen again.
- Yeah, right. It ALWAYS happens again, you think a couple words are gonna get in the way?
- Fuck you… all you do is criticize. Why don’t you just fucking step out of your burrow and give me a hand instead of mouthing? It’s fucking annoying in the end. Don’t you know you’re a fucking drag?
- Alright. Hell, yeah, you’d be in seventh heaven if it wasn’t for me, wouldn’t you, you pussy. Now let’s think a moment. We can do this if we put our heads together. We can both get our way if we stand clear of each other, but we must work together.
- Okay. You think you’re so smart? Figure something out, but leave me out of it. I know you, I know your manners. If you figure something out, just go ahead, I don’t care, I’ll step aside. It’s over for me now.
- Fine, have it your way…
- …well?
- I’m not gonna tell you, I know your two-faced backstabbin’ ass is gonna fuck it up for me. Damn! Would you listen to yourself? ‘I give up’. The hell you will! You’ve been craving pussy for weeks and now that it’s finally in fucking range you’re gonna give up, just like that? That ain’t like you. You’re gonna hop on the ride as soon as you see where it’s going. But not before, I’ll admit that. Because you’re pussy. Because you think shit in this world ain’t worthwhile unless you can jump in the game as a certified winner. You’re pussy, because you know nothing about taking risks. What the fuck are you good for? And you say you’re gonna fucking unleash me? No way, I ain’t buying it.
- Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Let’s work together at it then, if you prefer it phrased that way.
- Alright… but you gotta listen, and I mean listen man, you always go ‘mhmm’ and then go off and do something stupid that’s not according to the plan. You need a lot of work if you’re gonna get your sorry ass back on your feet. A LOT. I’m sorry to say this man, but you need all the help you can get. But that’s o.k. ‘cause I’m here to give it to you.
- Go on.
- Alright. First things first. You may have heard from certain people that chicks ‘like seriously get off when you whisper some tight shit in their ears ‘n’ shit, I’m talking wettin’ their pussies and all. They may have a point. But cable TV’s been fuckin’ with their heads for years, feeding them these jerk-offs with perfect-plastic, photoshop-sexed-up bodies, and taught them to drool to these playas. What you need to do is play the game, man. You gotta pump some iron, not for the strength, I mean who’s gonna pick his chick up and toss her around more than once a night, right? You gotta pump those weights so that your ass is worth drooling for, just like those motherfuckers on TV. A’ight?
- Sure. I can do that. Any fucker can do that. Next?
- A’ight. That’s the body. Now chicks give particular attention to a homie’s face, I’m talking itty bitty little insignificant details to us homies but which to them are pretty important, so pay attention. This ain’t anything over-the-roof-type dude. Just the usual clean shave, groomed eyebrows, freshened-up breath ‘n’ supa-fly haircut. You gotta have somethin’ funky ‘n’ fresh about yo’ hair. Next: yo’ threads. No playa I know walks out of his door with his colours unchecked. You gotta be down with those colours…
- When’s this shit gonna end? I thought you was gonna feed me some hot shit, not some ol’ dried up leftovers from last week.
- Ah man, fuck you! You ain’t worth my time.
- Well just don’t fuckin’ bring all that ‘sweet perfume and tasty flavour’ type-o-shit up then! I’m sick of it man! I’ve heard it already. I need some of that hot shit, homie! You know, the bullet-proof hot shit that real playas are made of.
- I was getting to that part, but you gotta understand you ain’t gettin’ anywhere without the first couple-o-rules.
- A’ight! A’ight! I get it; fresh & clean, groovy clothes, handsome, handsome, handsome. What next?
- Next homie, you gotta play it cool. Real cool. You gotta act like you got all the time in the world, but that anyhow she wants it, you gonna have her in the end. But you gotta make her understand it. That’s the tricky part.
- A’ight, that shit sounds good.
- Right. So you gotta play it real smooth, and real subtle, too. You gotta be smart, slip that shit in where it feels good, that’s the cool way to do it.
- Yeah, but what if my tongue go numb?
- Fuck that. That’s what your drink is for. Another thing: if yo’ bitch don’t smoke, you don’t smoke. Got that?
- For sure. And then?
- And then, once you got her attention, keep her attention. She gotta have her eyes on you bro’. And once you catch onto her eyesight you don’t let go. If she don’t let go, that’s a good sign. That’s the first contact, the one that should always come first. Then comes the touching. This is also very important. You gotta do it cool, just as cool, ‘like real sensual ‘n’ shit. You go over her body slowly, one step at a time, like you were getting to know it. Once it starts getting to know your hands, you can start your lips on the job.
- Cool. Then what?
- Let her decide. You’re cool, remember? As long as she likes sitting there, sit there. And keep at it. Then, when she gets too exited, she’ll want to get up. She get up, you get up. This is the time when you need some music. And for Christ’s sake man, have some good vibes around. You gotta have the remote close by, to get the right tune playin’. If she’s still in that smooth sensuous mood, romanticise her sweet ass with a slow motion body-to-body. If she seems all fired up, you better hit it and keep on yo’ toes. You’ll play the slow mo later. This is also very important bro’. You gotta have yo’ moves down. Some bitches will turn off like a lightbulb if they see you pull the wrong kind of moves.
- A’ight. Then when do I know she’s ready for it?
- It’s pretty obvious. She’ll be pretty plump and ripe once she really starts swingin’ it, but the time for the hump is when you see her eyes sparkling with desire. Those same eyes you caught earlier, you’ll look into them and see the difference. Then you’ll know.
- And then?
- Then you fuck her brains out. I trust you have some knowledge of how it is to be done.
- Oh, for sure. First, preliminaries. I undress while kissin’, start the lickin’, continue the peelin’. All until I get down south.
- And then?
- Well what do you mean then? I eat her fuckin’ pussy out.
- And you know how this is to be done?
- Hell yeah homie! I’ve seen movies ‘n’ shit, I know where the clit is. I know you’re supposed to suck-lick-suck-lick it while stickin’ yo’ two pleasure-makers in there.
- …but only after she’s wet a little.
- Oh, hell yeah! I know that.
- A’ight. But you better be damn sure you’re hung as an elf by the time you’re through. And don’t take too long either. Chicks get bored with that shit fast. Once again, you gotta feel it. And then, you pump yo’ balls dry. And enjoy every moment of it. You gotta show her you enjoy it, too.
- But… what about ‘when the time comes’?
- I donno… be creative for Christ’s sake, do I have to tell you everything?
- A’ight. We’re gonna do this. We’re gonna have this bitch. And then, she’s gonna be damn grateful for it.
- Hell yeah bro’, hell yeah. But you gotta do it by the book now.
- By the book, I promise.
- And no biting, a’ight?
- There’ll be none of that, trust me.
- And no slippin’ things in her drink. That’s cheating.
- Man, who you take me for? I ain’t fuckin’ no jellyfish.
- Just makin’ sure. Now what are you gonna tell her to ask her out?
- I donno, somethin’ like ‘would you like to come over and taste some of my sweet cuisine?’
- Not bad, not bad at all. That’s exactly what I mean about being subtle. And what if she says no?
- Uh, something like ‘Well, I bought all of this food and, uh, I really wanted to cook you up somethin’ special’.
- Hmm, less good but, it’ll do. You gotta sound persuasive though. If you stutter, that’s it. It’s like a chain. You fuck up a link, and that’s yo’ pleasure level being chipped off a notch. Keep that in mind.
- A’ight.
- And bro’…
- Yeah?
- Don’t make the food yourself or you’ll really fuck things up.